Little piece of my diary

I know what it's like, know what it's like when you have the ones you love the most leave you. I know what it's like getting backstabbed by your best friend(at the time lol) I know how it feels to be abandoned. I know what it's like to be broken. but you know what? That's not me anymore. I'm a girl who likes to give to others, I give my love and prayer to random people. I'm not broken anymore. I put all the broken pieces back together. I've had so-called friends tell me that I messed things up, that I'm not good enough. that without make up I'm ugly. I had friends bring me down, but I don't let that happen anymore. I fight every day, I fight for my life, I buy for my true friends, I fight for my family, I fight for the people sitting on the street with no money, no home, nothing. yesterday when I was walking around just clearing my head I want to the little market by my house in this guys talk to me he said these exact words "you little fighter, show the world what you were born to do" I just looked at man, I was kind of scary because of strangers talking to me, but I felt so much love coming from that stranger.

after that, I told myself I want to be that kind stranger. I want people to feel my love even if they don't know me. I want people to know that I am truly a very kindhearted person. because that is who I am. two weeks ago I can say I was lost and insecure. Today, I can say that I am found in confidence and proud. i've been content with life before but never this content with life. I have my true friends I have my family, I have food to eat, clothes to wear, and the roof over my head. Truthfully that's all I need and that's all I want. I'm blessed and I'm thankful.

Stick Together

Girls are known to constantly judge each other.  A girls day usually consist of talking about the person that they strongly dislike with their boyfriends or their group of friends. That used to be me. I used to judge the girls that I do not like all the time. I would tell my boyfriend at the time how much they bug me, how their presence just annoyed me. Honestly I'm so ashamed of that. I am so ashamed that I judge such wonderful people. 

When I left my old school, I decided to make a huge change in my life. I'm going to stay away from all kinds of drama. I am not going to judge other girls or anyone in fact until I get to know them. And I'm going to forgive the people that hurt me and at my old school. Today I was talking to this girl who now I consider a friend, she's my ex boyfriends new ex-girlfriend. I use to judge her because I was jealous of her. But then when I left the school I decided not to hold a grudge against people anymore I decided to forgive and in ways that girl hurt me so I decided to forgive her. I reached out to her last night and I told her how pretty she was. She said that we should hang out soon and honestly I mean me feel so bad because I judged her when I didn't even know her. 

I had a great conversation with her this morning, she is honestly one of the best human beings that I have ever met. 

Girls, we need to stick together, guys are going to do is any good in the end. That girl that you hated last year will probably be your best friend in a few years.so I challenge you to reach out to the girl Who you are not a big fan to get to know them, get to know their story. You'll probably be surprised. I know I was. Forgive and maybe this time you should forget it. We all need to stick together at the end of the day we're all we got. 

I struggle;

                                               ENJOY THIS AWKWARD PHOTO OF ME
I struggle; I struggle with waking up in the morning with a positive attitude. I struggle with my weight; loving my body, I struggle with staying positive when everything is crashing down, I struggle with keeping my friends close, I struggle with showing my family my love for them. I struggle with school, making friends, showing my loves for others.

We all struggle. It's part of life. But you know what we all got to do? Is kick out butts and show the world, it's got nothing on us. It took me so long to be where I am today, it took me 9 years. It was certainly a long 9 years kicking my butt, pushing through all the pain, all the urges to hurt myself, all the sleepless nights, all long days. But look how far I've come, I know you will come far in life too. I know you can push through the pain and everything and become a more of a remarkable person.  Stay positive & stay kind & keep kicking butt. I'm proud of you!

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Family 💛

This weekend I got to spend time with my friends and family in a long time. I use to be so busy with school and work, that I never got to see my family or friends. This weekend, I realized a lot new things. I got to learn more about my little sisters. What the like to do in their free time, what artist they like, etc. I also got to joke around with my parents which felt so good. One thing I realized, I am so loved, loved beyond words. I always knew I was love, but this weekend, I was able to feel their love. Just by the little things they did for me. It is so important to spend time with your friends and family. If you have a busy schedule, try to find at least a half hour to spend time with your family. If you have a hard time getting along with your parents or your siblings, call a friend, ask them to lunch or if they just want to come over and take. Really take sometime to discover new things about them. I promise you, it will make you feel so good. Spend some quality time with the ones you love.




Dm on instagram @lovelycammm for support! Also feel free to tell me some blog post you will like to see! I'm struggling with ideas lol

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REMEMBER! You are loved and worth it. You are not alone!

My story

June 9,2012
••• on that day, I was playing a soccer game, it was arena soccer. I don't remember much of the day in fact I don't remember that at all. I don't remember waking up that morning, I don't remember getting ready for my soccer game that morning. In that soccer game I got tripped, broke the fall with my head and got a terrible concussion. The next thing I knew or well remember from the day is waking up in an ambulance with flashing light into my eyes and shouting my name. I didn't know where I was who I was or what the hell had happened. I remember feeling is numb, I couldn't feel my legs, and I couldn't feel my hands. The paramedic was asking me a load of questions that I should of known that answer to. And I got to the hospital not knowing anything a lady walked into the room and said hey sweetie, I had no idea she was. I was so scared I didn't remember anything that had happened to me I didn't know who the lady was who ended up being my mother, I didn't know who my siblings were I didn't know any of my family I forgot all my friends forgot what school I went to and forgot what my name was and who I was. From that day I didn't remember anything I didn't remember 13 years of life. So yes, I can say I was able to start my life over, I may not of known anyone that I knew who they were in my heart. Yes losing my memory was scary but it was also the greatest blessing I have ever received. I got to start over, I got to meet new friends, I got to re-create myself and who I wanted to be. It was hard, it was scary but but if I had to go back to that day I would still play that game, the one that caused me to lose all my memory. People think my depression started from my accident but really who is depressed since third grade, you see I kept a journal, that apparently I wrote in every day, I was bullied I had major depression. No I don't remember it but I surely felt all the sadness when I woke up in ambulance. Every day since that day has been a constant struggle, there are some days where I can't even wake up, can't even get out of bed and function right, I don't have a lot of friends because for me it's so hard making friends. I don't fit in it's school and I learned to be okay with that. I have about 4 friends at school and I'm okay with that. Just because I've suffered from depression & lost my memory doesn't make me any less of a person.

Mental illness

Everyday a constant struggle. You fight and fight but you never win, you lose every single time and you don't know why. until you realize, you are sick. But not just any type of sick like having a fever, a rash, a stuffy nose, a horrible cough. No, this is the sickness that no one can see, you can only feel it. it's worse than having a fever, rash, a stuffy nose or a horrible cough. You are physically tired; tired not even the right word, you are exhausted. you feel alone in a crowded room. You isolate yourself from other people. You feel numb & alone. You want other people to notice your pain but you don't know how to show it. You want help but you don't know how to ask for it. You wish someone would just do a nice gesture towards you for once. But no, you hide it from everyone, you secretly want people to see but at the same time you want to keep it hidden. You don't want people thinking you're crazy or something. You want to be normal and fit in but the mental illness is keeping you from it.
••••••••••••
after everything you've been through, you deserve to get roses on your doorstep. You deserve to be looked up to. You deserve all the happiness in the world. you deserve to love someone and be loved backed. you got this. You may think you're alone but so many people are feeling what you're feeling. There is someone around you that's feeling the same pain you are feeling they just don't show it. You're not alone.

need support? dm on Instagram @lovelycammm

Sending you my LOVE

Something we are all going to have to go through in life is heartbreak. Heartbreak is probably the worse pain anyone can go through, whether if its from a boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, or a family member, it's still painful.

You will go through the "hate" phase of the breakup. You will hate them, but you don't, but at the same time you kinda do. You hate them because they made you hate yourself, you hate them for giving up on you, you hate them for giving you false hope, you will hate them for pretending, hate them fort not caring, you will hate them for not checking up on you, no matter how you felt or how it made you look.  You will hate them for taking up your time, all the wasted time. You will hate them for making you believe they were different. You will hate them but still care for them at the same time.

Let me tell you, from experience, Its going to be alright, these painful days/nights will eventually pass. You will get out of this, stronger than ever. The dark you are in will turn to light, the winter in your heart will turn to spring. And also, remember, they don't deserve your sadness, they shouldn't control your happiness. You're strong enough to pass through this hell with a smile.